Monday, 25 February 2013

The World Destroyer and his tanned harpy.

In the Beginning.
Boom! Right guys that's act one.
The year was 1995, the film was 'Bad Boys' and it rocked at the cinema. Why did it rock? This was due to the utter stupidity  people allowed themselves to feel for that film. It was complete nonsense, the jokes were poor, the action over the top and the acting, well the less said about that the better. People enjoyed it though and I was one of them. Michael Bay had figured out a way to  tap into the area of the brain where we don't care about plot, character development or genuine humour. Instead we loved his  big explosions, his seemingly endless supply of half naked cardboard cut-out women and his unending torrent of, "Holy shit, did that just happen man!".

Loud explosions, Megan Fox and robots.

2007 came along and we were shown 'Transformers'. Again I enjoyed it and again our minds were tricked into thinking we were treated to a respectful treatment of our childhood heroes, but like those autobots and decepticons, there was more than meets the eyes. Substance wise there was no more but superficially, forget about it. The amount of explosions and shots of  Megan Foxes ass that took the focus from what should have been the main characters of the piece, the 'Transformers'.

I now get to the point, it is not the fact that there are a ton of explosions and over the top action that weighs down Transformers, actually it's one of the highlights. What  weighs it down is the fact that the original human characters are put in the focus instead of fully fleshed out characters that we have grown up with and loved. Characters like Bumblebee were relegated to  Jar Jar Bink style fools who were given bit parts and ridiculous lines. Look at Jazz, one of the most iconic and loved Transformers and what happened to him, he was given literally four sentences and after one piece of dialogue with Megatron he was ripped in two. When this happened two  things went through my mind, "Holy shit they killed Jazz really quickly!!!" and  immediately after that, "Wait a minute he's a transformer, a robot, they can easily rebuild his other half.....".
Remember when we were the main characters of a series?
My main problem is that the Transformers themselves were shown as an event in these human characters lives. It was all about how these characters reacted to alien robots showing up on their  planet. This was a terrible decision, what should have been shown was how the autobots and even the decepticons dealt with the destruction of their home world and their way of life. Give the decepticons a genuine reason to start a war, give the autobots some genuine pain and anguish for losing their families and their home.

Hey, Michael leave those kids alone.

This was all to help you guys understand what I really wanted to explain to you, I have laid the foundations  and now I can build on it. Michael Bay has decided to grab yet  another childhood franchise that we all love. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a great bunch of lads who have the banter and eat  pizza, while being ninjas.

Once again Bay decided that he wanted to reboot a much beloved series and once again he decided that it was about aliens. Even though the turtles are not aliens, yes their origin is alien but they  themselves are just turtles. Don't turn them into carbon copies of the Transformers. Things were going along relatively smoothly, Bay wasn't actually directing, he was producing so his input was minimal. Well that's what we all thought. The news came a few days ago, news that broke my heart, there were many casting rumours about April O Neil, the only real non ninja human in the supporting cast of the Turtles history.

Turtles are like frogs right?.
 Then came some very scary rumours, Megan Fox, Megan 'Jennifer's Body' Fox was cast in the Turtles film. Who is she likely to play? Not April, please not  April, unfortunately the Turtles do not have many other female human characters unless you count  Korai, but since I can't imagine Megan Fox as Shredders asian ass kicking prodigy there may only be one option left. An original character to the series, because original characters created in an already established universe always work out well.


Twinsies.
 If Bay decides  to go the same route with the Turtles as he did with the Transformers we could see another massive event happening to an unusually attractive  April O Neil. Who, during her run of the mill, single white female life, bumps into a motley crew of  teenage mutant punks who happen to be aliens, her life will never be the same again. God this is going to suck.

We're in trouble guys.